Snippet time…

From a short I’m working on

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“I’ll marry her.”

I wasn’t sure what I was doing, standing up. But something in me… snapped, looking at her face, tears blooming at the corners of her eyes, spinning away like jewels when she flung her head from side to side. A pale best man’s hand rested on her bare shoulder, lending comfort; maids of honour and a friend stood close.

She watched me now in shock and wonder. The murmuring of the gathered spread like wildfire. Eyes turned to me.

A tug at my sleeve. “Ray, what are you doing?” Eric, one of our group, asked me in an undertone.

I shook my head, eyes never leaving her. “It’s ok. I want to do this.”

I left my place in the pews. As I approached her, she hastily wiped the tears from her face, and extended a hand by way of introduction. A glistening finger brushed the cuff of my sleeve; a single drop, stark against the light grey of my suit, clung tremulously to the fabric before absorbing in.

I looked up from our clasped hands, brown into white, into her face. Her veil, pinned with a white rose to the bun in her hair, kissed her collarbone, her shoulders, her neck. Her ruby lips were full and looked for all the world like ripe fruit, waiting to be plucked; they managed a tentative smile. Moist eyes brightened, brown irises glowing from the gratitude of kindness.

I swallowed, not from the daunting prospect of betrothing myself to a complete stranger, but from finding myself utterly besotted. Who would abandon a creature such as this?

Perhaps I should have asked that question. Perhaps I should have asked why.

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People watching…

Spotted:-

Black woman, cashier, checking out groceries, black framed glasses, a simple braid on either side of her head, seven piercings:- two on the nose, three on one ear, two on the other. We have a friendly chat about how our families reacted to our piercings, and how, despite people thinking the Caribbean is probably hedonistic due to Carnival etc., the general populace tends to fall on the conservative, christian side of the middle of the spectrum.

Me, I have three piercings: one on the nose, two on earlobes.

I headed home with two litre bottles of pop.

Onward… baby steps…

The weather today’s drippy; rain wants to come but does so very lightly, reluctantly even. Grey clouds hang in the air; the atmosphere grey as well, damp. Through it I walk, heading downtown.

The ends of my brown jersey pants are too long, and need sewing; they kiss the pavement way too often, becoming sopped with moisture. I must take them to be seamed someday, when I remember, when I can push myself, when I can afford to spare the cash. Maybe I should just put them with the other pairs in the store and force myself to pay for them instead of waiting when I have the cash and always failing to do so; I fail reliably at forgetting, instead of failing at not doing what I should.

My steps, however sodden at the edges they are, are lighter than usual today; I have come from an appointment, and I feel heard, understood, even if I didn’t talk about everything on my mind. Part of my psychology is adjusting (quickly?!) to the fact that I’m not standing on complete quicksand anymore; I am doing something concrete, and it is in a field I enjoy. I’m even looking forward to seeing myself doing the same thing–consistently–further down the road, past the end of the year. It kills overwhelming, negative thoughts. I am not worthless, no matter what is going on, no matter if nothing is going on.

If only it would obliterate them completely. But that is what an illness is, however invisible, isn’t it?

An announcement…. of sorts.

Maybe I want it to be a while before I make it official… maybe I want it to sink in… maybe I’m still too shy for my own good… but I am with a semi-pro online magazine now.

And it’s gonna take up some of my time.

If I can function and do this by the new year, I promise I’ll make it known.

Or maybe someone will kick me in the ass and tell me to just out with it.

So far, learning. Gaining confidence in my abilities. Learning when my instincts are right.

The first day, I was scared. My brain hit a wall. A million points of self-doubt flared.

But, gradually, it sunk in. And I persevered. And I’m glad I have.

But! It’s only been a few  days.

Onward.

Ever onward…